I found it in the big red envelope which contains of all the lovey-dovey cheesy stuff when I was cleaning my room this morning.
I usually don't brag about my drawing skill - erm... simply because I don't have any.
But as you can see! I can colour!
And yes, I am a memory keeper - I can't bear letting beautiful moments fade off that way. I dispose off sad and angry moments though, albeit sometimes the goods and the bads are interrelated. I am quite shocked to know that most of my friends deleted their ex's pictures and vice versa, I am blamed for keeping them. Erm I thought of telling my grandchildren about this popo's first love in the future because as a grandchild myself, I'm dying to know my grandparent's love story. Then they said something like it's not pleasant to have the current boyfriend see it - those pictures are really provoking. Hmm maybe they are true in this sense but since I don't have any now, keeping the pictures shouldn't cause any major problems.
But then again, most of the pictures are gone anyway. I hid the picture folders and when I sent my laptop to be formatted, I had forgotten to back the hidden folders hence yeap, they are gone with the formation.
Anyway, let's get back to the masterpiece.
It was a creation by my ex and I in the class out of boredom. Oh how pure our relationship could be - coloring when the teacher was not conducting a lesson.
Nonono it didn't happen during those kindergarten days when we brought color pencils to the school everyday.
For heaven's sake I started my first relationship at my age of 18, when I was a lower sixth-former. I can't remember why did I bring color pencils to school when I was in form 6- It's for Pengajian Am if I'm not mistaken.
See, I wanted to name it our masterpiece but I think since it's over now, it's not quite appropriate to make it ours. So if he gets famous one day (we wouldn't know!) and I would be able to benefit from the masterpiece from auctioning it off just because his signature is on the picture!
Okay I am such a dreamer I have a feeling that he wouldn't really get famous (again we wouldn't know but that's my instinct and it can be quite zun at times)
Alas~
Till then.Both of us have grown up a lot.
Apparently, the content of our conversation is more mature than the last one we had.
Strange enough, we were walking side by side in my high school, along the labs.
It was really comfortable to be friends again.
He was wearing the pair of khaki slacks with that U2 shirts.
I was the one who went to the tailor with him and the shirt was given by me.
It didn't happen in real.
I had a dream about it last night.
We lost contact anyway. =)
After days of being immersed in some self-assumed syokness, I guess it's time to pull myself from that imaginative mud.
I went to Arthur's Night.
It's ironic.
Arthur is the name of my only ex's.
Whenever the crowd shouted 'For Arthur!!!'
I shouted 'Fuck you!!!' prior to that.
hello.
It's not the only coincidence.
4 years ago, we started our relationship at the 24th day of September,
and it was the 25th day of the same month.
It wasn't the exact coincidence but it was so near.
Alright. End of the story of my ex's.
You guys do know that I'm (can I change it to was?) pretty into someone.
I joined his group on Arthur's night.
(yealar dear uncle if you are reading I do mean you.)
I witnessed him started a relationship with his girl.
*can you hear some shattered sound?*
Damn it.
He and his girl walked me to the parking area.
*can you hear more shattered sound??*
And it's not easy to fake my smile.
*sigh*
And I thought I would be sad for a very long time.
I banned Black Eyed Peas' songs,
I banned the word 'crush',
I banned Sunway,
I banned =)
I banned almost everything related to him.
*tonight's gonna be the good night.
Tonight's gonna be the good good night.*
Wah. Sarcasticnye.
Bringing along the pain, I slept at 3.30am.
And woke up 1 hour later, thought of the whole incident, and then, slept again.
And woke up another hour later, and then still haunted by the incident, and sleep again.
And then it was 8.30am.
Surprisingly, I felt totally alright.
Well, I lied if I said that I lived another day as usual without feeling anything but...
I wasn't as sad as how I thought it to be.
Good day I had today.
Breakfast.
Karaoke.
Online.
Nap.
TV.
...
I was allowed by my friend to be sad until 10th of October,
and the other friend of mine let me sad for a maximum period of 5 days.
I think I don't need it.
5 hours will do.
Hmm.
No need to ban anything anymore.
*tonight's gonna be the good night*
Maybe I'm just not that into him.
At my age of 10,
I thought that I want someone who possesses strong leadership,
because my then crush was someone who was so.
When I reached 14,
I thought someone who has an excellent of humour would be good,
because my then crush was someone who was so.
And then it was 16,
I thought maybe I need someone who is good in musical instruments,
because my then crush was someone who was so.
At 18,
I thought he who made good conversation was the right one,
and then we broke up upon spending 3 years.
Ahh. Now I know that my so called criterias are set according the person I have a crush on.
At my age of 22,
I think I want someone who is #*$@#$*%#
Oh. It's censored.
He might be reading my post and get perasan afterall.
It's some inside thingy.
Those who are close to me would understand this smiley face bears more than what it means.
Here I am.
Backed to those days again.
Have the lappie turned on, and wait.
Wait.
Perhaps practise yoga.
Wait.
Perhaps few clicks on evony.com.
Wait.
Maybe to browse some pictures on facebook.
And wait.
Please. Give me more courage to talk to him.
I won't call that infatuation. Far from it.
So you see, I have done with my exam, and currently enjoying my 3-month-break.
I am not gonna find a job because I'm working part time all along and I think that is sufficient for me - I just wanna enjoy my holiday.
My point is, I am so free now and I have got nothing better to do hence I have stuffed something really wuliao into my head.
Before I go on, I shall tell you guys a story - a very childish one.
So one fine day, Shang and her two friends were shopping in Mid Valley when they saw Barney the purple dinosaur hanging around, shaking hands with visitors.
So Shang was pretty excited (not sure why she was so) and wanted to shake hand with Barney too, but the Barney IGNORED her, and turned to the other side, which made Shang gone grumpy exaggeratedly.
When she turned into Threepointsix her friend told her, 'eh, that guy out there asked if you need him to get the Barney for you'.[I will call him the hairband-guy(THG) from now on - because he was wearing a hairband] Fine, Shang really didn't realise that. So she didn't bother and continued to shop.
[Side note: She saw one Adidas windbreaker which she really likes but she didn't bring enough cash and she has lost her debit card and she has no credit card thus she didn't get it. She saw one Disney bag that she really liked too, but her friend commented that it looked like a diaper bag - well maybe it is meant to be one, but anyway, she didn't get it either.]
Fast forward. They went to Vincci and Roxy and noticed nothing special.
So they headed to Adidas outlet store, because Shang wanted to see if there is other colors available for the jacket she has spotted (auntie Shang also wanted to compare the price - although she knows that there would be not much of difference). Her friend told her that thg's friend (let's call him the Black-Shirt-Guy [BSG]) was also in the shop - but they concluded that he was merely a staff and he was there to get the stock.
While they went out and headed to Diva, they were stopped by THG.
THG asked Shang if she could be his friend - and Shang stunned.
Well, being someone who is not conventionally pretty and fat, she would have never expected that someone would approach her - in the mall.
(at this time, reader would think: ceh. I have been approached for the thousandth time already. but I have never blogged about that
or ceh. why advertise as if it's really a big matter
The fact is that: I'm not bragging about this approach - you will know the point of this post later)
Where were we? Oh yea, approached by THG. Shang refused to give him her number because... Shang's parents have thought her not to give numeber to stranger. =.= No la. Shang just didn't feel like giving it to him - just, feel. So Shang offered him her e-mail address instead - but he didn't want that. Alright, THG actually gave Shang his phone and asked her to key-in her address but sadly, Shang had been a loyal SE user and had forgotten how to use a Nokia, hence Shang didn't make it.
Then donno how, THG turned to her friends, and there, BSG who was standing beside him, stepped in, and talked in a really soft voice,
'you don't give him la. you secretly give it to me la'
So being a law student (bullshit la), Shang always take 'FAIRNESS and JUSTICE seriously. So she thought, haiyah, since she rejected his friend, she should treat his friend the same too.
She secretly liked BSG because she thought that he's cute. really cute. Especially his smile - which looked abit embarrassed. But yea, fairness and justice, she refused to give her number to BSG too.
Then, they continued shopping as if nothing had happened.
And, while looking at the cup of green tea in front of him, Shang started to regret.
You know Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? (or something like that. PTSD in short. I don't really know the exact name but yea, something like that).
The victim won't feel anything on the spot. Instead, the feeling would arised after months of even years after the incident.
That's Shang's case. Just an analogy to be drawn to PTSD. It has nothing to do with traumas. Just, regrets. She didn't feel anything at the moment she rejected BSG but the feeling of regrets arised after hours of it.
She should have given her number to BSG because he looked quite okay nieh.
As mentioned, no one would have thought that Shang is pretty at first sight, the probability of being approached is already low low low low low, being approached by a guy who looked okay, in the mall somemore, is like, striking lottery okay?
(there is a possibility that BSG was trying to get her number for THG but still... Let me dream on okay?)
Anyway, back to Shang started to feel regret.
And regret and regret and regret...
Until 3 days later, which means today... still regret.
End of the story.
Beh tahan right?
Childish right?
I know that I will laugh at myself when I read it in the future - it's really too childish and naive.
My friend Mei Yi who was the witness also wanna died listening to my rantings. And some of my other friends felt like strangling me and knocking my head to the wall when they knew that I didn't even remember how the BSG looked like. I donno how old is BSG, I donno where is he from - basically, I know nothing about BSG. I only know that BSG was some one in Black Shirt - hence, BS. And I only know that THG's nick name is Ah Xiang and yea that's all.
Now want to look for him also cannot.
Gah. If I were to go to Pangkor or the church camp, I wouldn't had bumped into him.
And I should have gone to the church camp I guess. Grr.
It's so irritating.
=.=
Childish right???? Too deeply poisoned by Serendipity. (btw, it's a movie.)Sigh sigh sigh.
Biologically 22, physically 27, mentally 17.
We will see la. We will see how long will this stupid stuff haunt me.
Maybe I will totally forget about this tomorrow. Or the day after tomorrow. Or Saturday, when I bump into a red-shirt guy or a white-shirt guy who looks better than BSG. (But I can't even recall how BSG looks like. Duh)
Yes yes yes yes yes!!!! Miracle miracle miracle!! It's TOTALLY unexpected okay????
So you guys know that my ex owed me 1.25k right?
(yes yes yes I am that calculative. I keep thinking that 1.25k will be nothing for me in the future but subconsciously, I still want the money)
So you guys know that my ex didn't think of repaying me despite that he has money right?
So you guys know that my ex still didn't wanna clear the debt when he got to know that I needed the money desperately right?
(I lied. I didn't really need that money. BUT!!!! He didn't know that it's a lie!!! Still, he wasn't willing to pay me)
What you guys don't know is that he did not pick up the phone one day,
and just because I couldn't reach him,
smart me made another brilliant step - which overturned the whole incident.
I called his mom instead.
I NEVER EVER thought that I would have the courage to call aunty.
I was so afraid of her when I dated her son - although she really liked the way her son behaved during those days.
What you guys don't know is that his mom thought that he had clear half of the debt,
but he had used it on somewhere else (to pay the drug dealer - according to him. they were more 'dangerous than I am),
and his mom thought that he came over KL to study,
whilst the fact is that his girlfriend stays at Johor, thus he followed her too.
He lied to his mom - damn a lot.
And there are much more lies that yet to be discovered by his mom - which, threatened him.
Yea, his mom terus called him upon talking to me.
And yea, he terus called me upon talking to his mom.
And YEA, he felt threatened - and promised to pay.
And which, HE DID.
Oh, perhaps I should say, SHE did.
She, doesn't mean her mom. I'm referring to the current girlfriend instead.
Those messages which promised to pay didn't sound like something which was typed by him.
Some of the content of the messages contradict with the content of the conversation.
- he, who was on the phone didn't show a very clear position when I told him the content of those messages while the message sender seemed to have no idea that what I have talked about on the phone.
When he asked for the account number, he asked if it's a Maybank account,
while he should have known that I am a Maybank account holder when he transferred some pitiful RM50 to me one month ago.
(yea he made the transaction because he felt threatened, and I told him that I needed some assurance)
So he SHOULDN'T ask me if it's Maybank account because he knew it!!!
You know what's the BEST part?
He asked what my name is when he made the transaction just now.
I was like... EXCUSE ME???
You farking bastard do not know my name after being together for 3 bloody years??
That's so not possible right????
You see, it is not that I think too much okay.
How is it possible that he doesn't know my name?????
This is so ridiculous man.
just to confirm. The message said.
=.=
Nay. He wasn't the one who made the transaction.
He doesn't speak broken English. Well he doesn't have an excellent command of language but... not that terrible.
r u still will disturb me if I pay u?
Not something that he will write.
And he doesn't use exclamation mark..
My conclusion. He wasn't the one who paid me. He might not even be with the sender when the transaction was made. Otherwise really, he didn't really have to ask my name.
Anyway, why do I even bother??
=)
I don't care anymore.
(haha, after all those i have typed)
I won't erase him, as how my friend has suggested. He's the BIGGEST lesson I have ever learned in my life - how can I erase off this precious lesson just like that??
Anyway.
I just want to say:
The debt has finally been cleared. Wakakakaka~~
EVERYONE, THANK YOU FOR BEING SUPPORTIVE!!!!!!!!
It was 3.44a.m. when I woke up. There was no indication of which I have missed any call. Apparently, he has failed to make his promise. After minutes rolling on the bed, realising that I couldn't get back to sleep, I sent him the first message. Are you home yet? Expected, no reply. Minutes later, I sent him the second one, Eh. Please reply la. So that I know if I should continue waiting. Again. No reply. The next thing I did was to type in his number, and pressed the dial button. After few times of ringing, what I could hear was a voice of a female's, saying the number you have called cannot be reached at the moment. Apparently, he did not cut off the line. He just turned off his phone. Yes I wouldn't have had waited for him had he not promise to call me. Last night I called him he said he would call me tonight because he was not in convenience to talk and tonight when I called him he said he would call me when he's home. He did not. Turned off the phone to avoid my calls instead.
I am so mad and sad right now. I thought it would be better to share this off with someone else but who the heck would layan me at 4 in the morning? Sigh. Writing it in the blog is the only thing which could make me feel better I guess - at least there is somewhere which I could blurt it out.
What have I done in the last circle until I have someone like him in my life? It has been few months since we broke up and yet I couldn't withdraw from it. Well not that I still have feeling for him - materially speaking, the damages is in pecuniary form. Why on earth would I be so stupid to lend him that hard-earned money to buy his laptop? Well for those who know about the incident, I have not disclosed the identity of that debtor but now I can frankly tell you, it's him. You guys must have guessed so yea? It does no harm to him anyway - none of his friend is reading my blog and his perfect reputation won't be spoiled by me writing in this way.
So it was not that he didn't have that money to repay the debt. He had got his PTPTN loan, which he had spent 4k out of it, and used up 10k to invest over an AhLong business. He has been spending every night in the club - mind you, his clubbing style is totally different with mine - I would have just ordered a glass of 20-buck-cocktail for the whole night. But for him, club is a place to drink. He could spend 200 bucks a night in a club - even if going on dutch with his friends. I have no idea how the hell he could make it. His friends have cumulatively owed him over 800 bucks just for drinking. Should I be mad or not? He is merely owing me RM1.2k.
Why on earth is it so difficult for him to return the money? He has the duty to do so! Does it mean that the responsibility flow away with the feeling? That shouldn't be the case. I have been bugging him, which, I really don't want to, just to make him repay the debt. 1.2k is not a big amount - I just don't feel good knowing that he has the money to spend off instead of paying me in the very first place.
I really don't know what should I do now. Perhaps to forget about it could make me feel better? But at the moment, I know that I can't.
Since the topic is on him already, and since I cannot get back to sleep I shall tell you guys a story buried deep down there which I still vividly remember until today. It happened on the 2008 Valentine's day. I hope that it is the saddest Vday I would have had in my life. The night before, I contacted his housemate, whose number I had secretly got from his phonelist, and attempted to get the keys from him because I wanted to sneak into his house to make him the surprise breakfast. His housemate then promised to leave the keys at the mailbox so that I could get it. Everything turn out to be so successful until the moment I knocked his bedroom door and he opened it, and... No la, I know what you guys are thinking, there was another girl on the bed ma. But thank God that was not the case. So he opened the door, shocked and puzzled rather than surprised, and gone back to sleep again. =.= I was expecting some hugs or so but no. Okay this wasn't the worse case. So I woke him up, and we happily had our breakfast.
Fast forward. The nightmare began during the lunch hour. We were having lunch at a restaurant nearby his house when we bumped into his friend. We chattered abit until I asked that question in a joking manner, so... does he smoke or not? So you have to know to be my boyfriend the very first criteria is that he must not be a smoker. I thought he quitted for me. But his friend's reply was quite shocking - 'He is trying not to...'
Trying not to? Apparently, there is some hidden meaning. That obviously mean something else rather than no. When his friend sensed that something is wrong, he gone and left us there. I still have my smile hanging on the face, taking into consideration that his friend was there. He knew that obviously, I got to know something which he thought that I was not suppose to know. But he didn't admit. He tried to cover up. I had no time to ask more questions because I had to go to work.
So fast forward again. Happily working yadda yadda finished working. He was with his friends, playing dota when I called him. Apparently he had no intention to make it up. He went out after finishing the game (yea, I waited. Damn stupid right?) We talked for a lil while, until finally he admitted. He did smoke while I was not around. I couldn't describe how mad was I by then. But no, he didn't feel that he was wrong - he didn't apologise or whatsoever. He was in a yes I smoked, so what you want me to do? manner. The next thing he did was to go back to his friends, continue with the game, leaving the puzzled me.
Made an undesired discovery and being left for games on a Valentine's night. What else could be worse? Thank God again I have left him. Please please please, please make this the worst Valentine's day in my life. Well I have been writing for one hour and maybe I should go back and try to get some sleep now. Really, I feel much better after letting it out.
Perhaps I should do this more often. It's not so good to write bad stuff about someone thought. Again, not that his friends are reading anyway. Couldn't really defame him in anyway yea.
Anyway, shall go back and catch some sleep now. I hope I won't bring a pair of swollen eyes to college and workplace tomorrow.
I'm referring to this. Infatuation over someone.
This was suppose to be a very long post. I have included those days we had gone through which made him a really special crush but... I highlighted everything, and pressed BackSpace.
Since it's over now, and since it's just a crush, not even a relationship, there is no point writing it down in details I guess.
*why do you even want to write this post then?*
Well, I said in the previous post (by that, I mean the post regarding infatuation), I would let you guys know when I brought it to an end yea? Right.
And boy, it had been 4 months~!!! I thought it would only last for few hours or few days or few weeks leh. It's so unbelievable. In the very beginning, it was his talent which attracted me (okay, it is extremely easy for me to fall for a musician) but then.. 4 months? It's a very long infatuation I would say~
Sigh... my coming days will be some boring one without having someone running in my mind.
[I opened my eyes, realised that my phone was still lying in my hand - silently.
That anticipation for that call, so similar yet so different.
The similarity was that I was still anticipating, as how I would have done last time.
It's been so long since the feel of anticipation arised.
The difference, well, yea, the status is different now.
He is no longer under the obligation to make the call.
I lose the right to spam him SMSes or call him in the next morning for the failure to call.]
Alright, the above written statement is false.
It is just something which I have structured in my mind while waiting for his call.
Well, I wasn't really waiting - I was merely holding my phone when I tried to sleep.
Update (26092008):
While doing my brother's assignment,
found out that the Royal Government of Cambodia was formed on 24th of September, 1993.
2409 again. -.-
Oh ya it's 24th September.
Was telling JL that I was sad because KC has left and I couldn't get my crush out of my head and that's what he said.
yea it'sFai's (note: Weng Fai, not Ling Fei the ex) birthday.
24th day of September.
I almost forgotten about this day.
A day which had mean so much for me.
2 years ago, he hold my hand for the very first time.
My very first time.
My hand was in his while I called Fai, greeted him birthday. (I still remember what was I wearing btw. Gengness)
They were having party for Fai, which I couldn't join because I was in KK.
It was merry on the other side of the phone, and quiet here. What a contrast.
A year ago, my hand was still in his when I called Fai.
However, things have changed a lot.
We had been through so many things in that very own year.
Arguments, jealousy, LDR, dissatisfaction, and sooooo much more.
Tonight, my hands are on the keypad, typing this post.
Nop. My hand is no longer in his, and will not be in it anymore.
It's only 2 years ago?
I feel like it's a decade ago. Some long lost memory. Something buried deeply down there. Somewhere in the corner.
Browsed back that Lovey Dovey Baybee folder. A total of 1259 pictures. Wow.
Well, not really a pure bitter relationship. It's a bittersweet one.
Delete? Of course not! I appreciate every moment me and him have had.
Oh and those friendster testimonials which expressed our affection towards each other while we were in those LDR days.
Haha me and him used to be that geli before. So comic man.
Friendster? I totally forgotten about that Lovey Dovey Baybee album.
We have broke up for so long and that album still silently lying there.
*click* edit.
*click* delete.
I'm on myself now.
Take Rihanna's word.
but it's over now.
(Just take this line. Not the entire song
He didn't cheat on me. He's a good guy in this sense)
Any difference?
1. It's good to have companion (depends). I'm *kinda* enjoy to be alone in the car.
I feel free to listen to any songs I like, as loud as I can, and sing as loud as I can. Hehe.
Me imitating amateur driver. Very gan jiong.
Not sure why they wanna stick to the steering wheel.
Have a better view huh? Don't think so.
Erm.. am not that pro btw.
2. Well no one is gonna run to the parking lot while it rains.
Hence I'm bringing umbrella with me.
Didn't bring umbrella on the first day of lectures.
Hence have to cover myself with those super heavy 2nd-handed textbooks.
Oh ya one more point. No one is gonna carry my heavy stuff for me.
(me damn vain I admit. Still camwhoring [twisted face nyaha] while raining. Wakaka)
3. He's no longer my companion to here and there.
Which makes me spend more quality time with my friends.
4. I have to finish everything on the plate by myself.
Hence I'm fatter by 3 kgs.
(offtopic. I'm having sorethroat now because coursemates suggested to have Nando's for lunch and we did. Wakaka.)
5. No more expectation and disappointment. No more hopes and despairs. No more happiness and sadness. Yea u get my point. Needless to bring the explanation on.
What else? Is that all?
If it is so, it's awfully sad.
Too bad. That's it I guess.
A friend of mine said,
'that's the difference between guys and girls.
Girls talk about guys after breaking up.
Guys don't.'
ya?
Well I did. At least in this post, I did.
I just feel like writing it. Because it's 24th Sep.
Well it would be the last time of me writing about him- unless my next relationship coincidentally started off on 24th Sep too. Wakaka.
Btw, it's good to be single.
Oh and... Weng Fai, Happy birthday!!!
1. I hate it when she said that I'm young
I was replacing my colleague who is on maternity leave.
I met her grade 8 student who is *obviously* older than me.
She said that I'm young, giving me some disapproving look.
I just did my best, nothing to regret, nothing to feel sorry about.
2. I'm lovin what we are now
So we are friends now.
We are still having fun hanging out with each other.
But..
We don't put expectation on each other.
We are not bound by any obligation.
We understand each other very well, we can be very good friends. ^^
3. Mooncake festival
I will be fat. Enough said.
Recently, I fall *hopelessly* for a guy.
He is someone whom I have met for not more than 5 times.
I don't even know his name, his age, yadda yadda when I FEEL like I like him.
And a friend describe my feeling for him as infatuation.
Infatuation. Definitely. (source here)
I don't believe in love at first sight.
Anyway, before him, I've infatuated over 38785 guys. So this isn't really a big deal. Haha.
Before I get to know this word, I describe it as 'temporary feeling'. (yayaya, my vocab is limited). So if you have the chance to read my diary, you will bump into countless 'temporary feeling' in those pages. Those were those high school days anyway.
Now I'm 21. I'm still infatuating someone.
Sigh. Why am I still so high-schooled? Yea. I won't mind if you say me childish.
Oh btw, will let you guys know when my infatuation over him ends. Soon. Maybe the day after tomorrow.
p/s: Oh!!! That's the song by Maroon 5!! I never know infatuation is the name!!!
*update (12 hours after the entry): this is just not so right. Shall stop the feeling from flowing further~ Muahaha~*
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