Fall of an acquaintance

Fact: I've been a regular at Petaling Street.
And I have never seen a single stray dog.

Ever wonder why?

Let me tell you a story.

I treated her as my acquaintance.
They told me that she was found in a pile of rubbish.
If she hadn't been picked up, she would had been crushed to death.

They picked her up, and raised her.

I, as a passerby, played with her whenever I had the chance.

I used to think that, I will be graduating soon, I will be starting new life soon,
I will be working, and I will not be attending college,
so I won't be able to see her anymore.... and I will be missed.

Now, this will not happen.
She is gone.

I had an opportunity to save her.
And I missed it.

When I saw her for the very last time, it was late at night, after my class and she was moving in a recycle bag which was in the possession of two men.
They released her when they saw me looking for her.
I got her out of the bag, hugged her, and confronted them.
I thought that they were going to take her away and eat her but they told me they were just trying to play with her.
I believed in them - partially.

That night, she was very quiet when I stroked her back, tickled her stomach, rub her chin.
She was sticking to me and when I put her onto the floor, she tried to follow me.
The parking attendant who was on the night shift made a gesture as a command for her to go back to her place, and she obeyed.

I really thought of bringing her back but... she doesn't belong to me.
The parking attendant who is on the morning shift love her.
He fed her, and played with her.
He put bangles on her neck, and tie her - sounds like restriction of her freedom, but the fact is, he did it out of the fear of her being hit by the car.
And she has a really wide area to play around, while I could only provide a tiny front yard.

I shouldn't be too selfish, right?

He would be upset if he didn't see her the next morning, right?

Sigh. Now I am looking for excuses to justify my insensitive conduct.

The next morning, I tried to look for her.
No sight of her.
I looked at her uneaten food it sent an unpleasant chill down my spine...

When the parking attendants told me that she disappeared, my eyes welled and I thought, my instinct was right.

She was caught and brought to somewhere and.. being slaughtered and eaten.
Goodness, the vision of her helpless expression while being slaughtered kept on running on my mind.

Throughout the whole tutor, I tried to search for other possibilities.
Well, it could be that.... those two men found that she's cute... and decided to raise her...
Well, I can't think of any.
No point convincing myself, she is gone.

I'm not sure how long does it take to get over it.
I know I should get on with life because there is nothing much I can do now.
Every time I go to the parking area, I think of her and I try in vain to search for her, which of course, is fruitless.

I can't help but to think that she is now dead...
I could have brought her home but I did not.
She was so young and she hadn't even started to bark yet...

My friend told me that the same cruelty happened when a chicken is slaughtered and eaten.
It made me feel better but I still can't get rid of my own imagination...

...

I hope you will have a better life in your next cycle...
I'm sorry... for not being to help you.
You are missed, and you will be missed.

Non-existent guilt

Apology, like a confession, doesn't imply guilt.

You may blurt out the five-letter-word under duress.
Or for sarcasm.
Or to make amend.
Or to protect someone.

Mine is to the last case.
I have heard the unpleasant mumbles.
I know that if those mumbles realise into complaints, it would make the already terrible situation worse.

So I apologised before the rotten beans are spilled.
And I suffered the mental punishment.

The fact which exacerbate the bitterness is that the person who is at fault is having fun with the punisher.
She who is blamed for something she has never done is currently locked in her own room, thought to be pondering over her guilt.

Accept the fact.
It's just a tiny weeny tip of an iceberg.
I still have an infinite way to go.

I hopes that my EQ can be increased after the incident.

Good night.
Tomorrow will be a finer day.

Muesli and apple crumbs plus warm milk awaits.
Not forgetting the warm latte which would be slowly sipped during the traffic congestion.
And Mindy Gledhill's or Soho Dolls' or Alicia Keys', depending on my mood.
Most significantly, the preparation I have done for tomorrow's tutorial. Gosh. I'm gungho.

Yes. Tomorrow will be another good day.
Again. Sweet dreams. No. Remembering the dream is the synonym of not sleeping tightly.
No dream.
Bye.

Hachiko's invasion

I just watched Hachiko: The Dog's Story last night despite that it has been released for over a year.

I can't get over it.

Whenever my mind is not occupied (eg peeing/driving),
those scenes in Hachiko's would flash through.

How Hachiko was lost in the train station.
How Hachiko was picked by the professor.
How Hachiko was trained.
How Hachiko tried to sneak out just to send its owner off.
How Hachiko sit handsomely while bearing the hope of the master's return - which never realised.
How Hachiko pictured the master's return at the last moment.

Okay la I felt better when the dog's wish was fulfilled by its own imagination but... it was not real.

It never happened.

Then I started to blame the producer of the show:
Why couldn't Professor Parker ala Richard Gere the dog's master die at home?
Hachiko wouldn't have to bear the expectation of the owner's return that way.

The idea that the dog was waiting for something which would never come, shattered my heart.
Whenever I think of the scenes,
my tears welled up and with a blink of eyes,
they would roll down.

My brother just sent me the scores of Hachiko's theme song,
and I couldn't complete the song,
my vision was blurred with tears.

And I can't help but to relate Hachiko to Carpy.

Every dog would wait for its owner's return.
I would never be alone notwithstanding that I return at four in the morning,
Carpy would be lying at the doorstep, waiting for me.

Whenever the gate opened,
the sleeping Carpy would spring up,
and welcome the return of it's owner with waving tails.

What if...

I went out and never returned?
(choi!!)

Okay,
now the sadder part.

What if...

I come back and what awaits me is darkness and silence?

I shared this idea with April and she comforted me that my grandma would be waiting for me,
which,
led me to a worse idea.
I don't even want to go to that part.

It will happen, subsequently.

I think this is the best moment in my life but I know that I will not be in this situation for life.
Things will change.

If I were given a chance to choose,
I think I would choose to be the one who bear the sadness.

All of the sudden, I feel so reluctant to grow.
I hate the idea that I would be torn apart with my loved ones.

p/s: writing helps. I'm feeling better now.

it's complicated

That does not apply to my relationship status.
I am single, simple as that.

By that, I am referring to my current mood.

I shall be happy.

My exam result has just released.
I did not pass in flying colors, but at the very least, they are running, or walking, if you want to put it that way.
I made it through to CLP anyway.

I shall be happy.

I was once happy.
I have never put any expectation over my result.
All I ask of is just to get a key to CLP - and now I've got it.

Everything has gone so well, until that image flash my mind.

My dad.

Being the eldest among the siblings,
he is putting high expectation over me,
that I shall be good, as I am always the role model for the younger ones.
I got rather decent result last year, which leads him to expect of the same from me this year.

I texted him to result, and 'second lower is a sure thing for you lah...' is what he has replied in text.
'anyway, you still deserve a congratulations.' he added.

Later, my dad called me.
I could sense disappointment in his voice.
I could hear myself convincing him this is not that important, as long as I get a decent result for the Certificate of Legal Practice.
It is not that important, as long as I make competent presentation in an interview.

Well, he responded by saying that his not-so-excellent result is anything but something to assist him to have his current achievement.
Yes I have to agree.
He made an attempt to comfort both of us.

Dad, you phailed lah.

You added something about the master degree in law.
Yea, with my result, I can't get a key to that door.
I could do MBA though, I told my dad.
Erm... I hope.

My eyes welled up as soon as I ended the call.
I could then feel the warmth of tears on my cheeks.
It should not be that fashion.
I shall be smiling.

I have disappointed my dad.
I am sorry.

Now I'm thinking, I have been a good nerdie girl for 3 years,
am I doing it for myself or my dad?
Come to think of it,
my dad was the one who chosen this path for me.
I was aimless afterall.
While people ask me, why law?
I would say, I have nothing better to do, and my dad wishes that I could be a lawyer.
That's the truth.

Still, I am happy for myself.
I gave in my best.

CLP, here I come.
At least I'm still on the right path.

p/s: my dad is the best man in the world,
don't you ever think low of him.
He just expected highly of me, and I did not meet his expectation.
That's all.

PaD - Saturday afternoon

You have no idea...

those moments are still vividly emblazoned in my mind.

you enveloped me. you formed a loop with your arm and i have mine hooked into yours. i tried to hide my smile when you wrapped your fingers around mine. you realised that and asked me why are you blushing. i covered your mouth subconsciously when i talked to my dad on the phone. the sudden silent smooch in the car, when we stucked in the jam. the goodbye making out session. you texted i wanna see you again.



and then there comes those moments which desaturated my life.

disappearance of your text in my inbox for one holy week. you mistaken me as lily or carol or other girl when i finally gathered up my courage to ring you up. i got who are you as your reply when my phone so cleverly sent you a blank message. you asked me on facebook if we still are friends. you asked me to learn to control my emotion when i rushed you for a reply. i got ignored when i asked for a fight when i almost get drown by the piles of articles. the increase of my pulse rate when i see you on the online list.

To the only person whom I will fight with in the universe,




I miss you.

Yes.
I still do.

You will never know.
Of course.

till you replaced by a more decent person.

yours truly,
that girl who is masquerading as someone who has gotten over you
(truth: all i ever wanted is a simple way to get over you. kelly clarkson is currently a hit btw)

Overcoming my biggest fear in my life...

By kiaping out the maggots from a dog's wound.

(this post would be rather boring.)

Alright it was a peaceful, relaxing afternoon because for once, I didn't feel like stepping out of the house.
Then April babe asked me out for Sushi, and told me a btw-story.
She said she saw some puppies in the drain, which were wet and injured, and she needed assistance to carry them up.

Well, the heroin in me voiced and promised to join the rescue process.

Gloves. Checked.
Clothes. Checked.
Camera. Checked.
Tweezer. Checked.
Cotton. Checked.
Antiseptic lotion. Oh. None. K. Bought it from Guardian so checked.

K. Done.

Right, those puppies were wet and injured - matched the description of April's.
I took out my camera - and realised that the battery was dead - well, this is my way of dealing with stuff. Really sai hei.

Okay. Nevermind. Shall concentrate on rescuing the doggies.
I slipped my hands into the surgical gloves, and ready to go.

I was facing somewhere else while carrying the dog.
It was just too painful to look at the wound!

Courage, courage - that was all I need.
It took several minutes before I could really move my sight onto the wound and gave it some inspectation.

Goodness.
It was truly, terrible.

The wound was large, and it was so deep - to the extent that the bone could slightly be seen.

We cleaned the large wound with some warm water, and applied some antiseptic lotion onto it.

Poor little thing, it didn't make a voice - at all.
I can't tell if it was too tired to make any voice or it has already immuned to the pain.

There were two black holes beside the big wound.
It is a 1-inch-deep wound with a diameter of 2 inches.
Initially, there was something sticky and dark (which, we assume, is some dead skin cell) which covered part of the wound.
Then, I kiap it out - and this is really not a wise move.
Next, what I could see is that the wound was covered with nicely arranged little dots.
I couldn't really decide what was those dots.
I tried to squeeze the wound but I still couldn't figure it out.
I then poked the wound with yellow antiseptic lotion soaked cotton on my kiap (tweezer, if you prefer english), some of the white dots started to move.
Alright I didn't see it, it was April who shouted, 'those are worms!!!!'

That was the most disgusting scene I have ever seen in my life, I swear.*click to enlarge*

I dare not to look at it at all because worms, this fleshy little creature, is the biggest fear of my life.
I almost wanted to burst into tears when I realised that those white little dots are actually the heads of those smelly maggots.
It was ultimately sickening - I mean, a larvae wound, what else could be worse than that?????

Both April and I were freaked out upon the discovery of the truth.
We both used words start with F and end with K,
except that she used the more civilised 'FREAK!'.

I felt really really sorry for the doggie, I knew that I couldn't just leave those maggots alone - they deserved death.
Hence, I did something of which I have never considered doing - I kiapped the maggots out.

April was a co-operative partner in the whole kill the smelly maggot operation, her mission is to bring the maggots to death - but crushing them with a stick.

We were experimenting if yellow antiseptic lotion could kill maggots, so I put the kiapped maggots into the pile of yellow liquid - it was concluded that the lotion might be irritating for the maggots, but it didn't kill them.
We then tried salt water. I was not sure if the maggots are too strong or the salt has yet to dissolve into the water - the maggots were sort of like swimming in that pile of clear liquid instead of struggling to death.
I only managed to kiap out 10+ of the maggots. There are really too much of them on the wound.
I treated the wound with both yellow antiseptic lotion and salt water, with the hope to kill the smelly maggots.

If you want to know how the wound looks like,
google 'larvae wound'.
You have seriously been warned.
I wanted to search for a picture which looks similar to the wound but I stopped at the searched page for just 0.5 seconds - those pictures are far more disgusting than what I have seen.
It sent chills up my spine - like, literally.

I can't stop having goosebumps when I am typing this post.

April just texted me - her dad pour cooking oil into that hole (eg, the wound).
You smelly maggots, this is your judgment day!!! Enjoy the suffocation!!!!!
Update:
The whole incident happened yesterday.
I have been haunted for a whole day - I sorta understand Kevin Carter, the photographer who took the picture of the girl and the vulture.

Whenever I think of the moving creatures on the wound, I have goosebumps.
It is severely against my conscience to leave the poor little thing alone.
Well I can spend a whole month of my salary for a bag - why can't I just spend one third of it to relieve the pain of a life?
'Financial problem' - it's just an excuse.
I shouldn't be so giam.
My heart hurts everytime I browse through the picture.
Deep down in there, I blame myself for not bringing it to the vet at the first opportunity by using the lousy 'financial problem' excuse as a shield.

I am bringing it to the vet tomorrow.
Wish me and the doggie luck.

Update:
It's gone.
I'm not writing in the first hand mood.
I wasn't even in the mood to write.
I was having great difficulties in getting over it in the first few days.

So when I saw the doggie, its condition become far worse.
The wound has gone much deeper than it was and those maggots - they have grown 3 times bigger the size I saw them for the first time.
Those faggots weren't even moving on the first day, it was only their heads which stuck out while this time, they were moving all around the doggie's flesh.

At that point, I couldn't stop blaming myself for not bringing the doggie to the vet the first time I saw it.
But then again, I wouldn't have brought it to the vet on the third day if not for the Kevin Carter's feeling.

So April and I went to pay a visit to the vet.
The vet told us that its condition was really bad (yes we can see that), those maggots may have gone into the doggie's spine.
I was then left with 2 choices: to put it to sleep, or to give it a try - although the chance of surviving is small, according to the vet.
When I struggled between the choices, I burst into tears.
It may be an easy choice for most of you out there but no... not for me.

The doggie kept on howling when the vet was inspecting it, it was really painful to look at it.
The pain would end if it were to put to sleep - but it's a life. It has the right to move on.
Nevertheless, the pain it suffers would be parallel with its living days.

I believe that it would recover one day, and has better life thereon hence I have decided to give it a try.
The vet did what I did earlier - to kiap the maggots out - only difference is that those maggots have grown much bigger and much fatter.
He then sprayed some antiseptic and maggot-killer lotion to the wound.

So we decided to clean the doggie at April's place before bringing it to my house.
April brought warm water and shampoo, we then helped the poor thing to clean off those fleas on its body.
While wiping its body, we kept on talking.

'Don't worry, you will be alright.'
'You will have food once we have cleaned you k?'
'You will be staying in the bathroom, and be well protected.'
'Those stupid maggots would not survive long.'
'When you are home, I will give you good food.'
'Your wound would recover...'

As the cleaning went on, the doggie's breathing became weaker.
Weaker, and weaker, and...
The movement on its stomach stopped.
Its tongue did not response when April dropped water into its mouth.

It was far beyond my expectation.

The last thing I wanted to do to this dog was to dig a hole, and bury it.
Yes, but we did it.

I had been haunted by the incidents for few days.
Traumatised kao.

I'm feeling better now at least.

Well, lesson learned.
Life prevails everything, that includes money.
If I were to send it to the vet on the first day, it would not have died.

As how my brother put it, well, at least it was well treated and clean before going off.
I would only feel better by thinking this way.

Nice meeting up with you guys~

Eh... It's not a conventional saying.

I do mean that.

At least I had them to be acquainted with me when I was sad.
(just a coincidence I know...
but let me be vain alright?)

By them, I mean April's Twitter friends.
(currently mine too~ Yay + many friends) <--despo So my friend Jonathan informed me that Boys Like Girls and Khalil Fong would be performing in the Nokia X6 Launch Party.
Since the entrance is free, and I had got nothing better to do, I decided to drag April along.

Coincidentally, April's twitter friends would be going too.
Good. The more the merrier.

I wouldn't talk much about the party - since really, there were nothing much to talk about.
We reached there at about 8pm, 10 minutes before the party started.

exaggerated pose. As usual.

We heard that the place was terribly packed and according to my friend, it was pretty much like a battlefield.
So anyway, we escaped the war, and walked into the stadium nonchalantly.

It was not a boring night, but nothing really exciting happened.

Xiang Xi (he's my brother btw) and Bryan the piggy-back slave

Oh yea, towards the end of the party, some Malay boys made a circle, and started to push each others.
I used to be pushed into this kind of circle during a concert in Sunway Lagoon - tragic.

Anyway. That night was not really an important one.
So.. the end.

From left: Bryan, CK, April, XX, aku

Oh yea. Thank you Bryan for your promised lollipop.
i won't ask you to go die anymore.

(I'm bad in ending a post)

Oh. It's not the end yet.
The second night.

So Amelia, Bebee and Bryan were manage to win some passes for the access of Mist Club's VIP area.

Initially, I did not want to go.
There were actually not enough passes for all of us.
(And mind you, I am considered as the extras - I joined in the group after they have done with the distribution of the passes)

I know they were trying very hard to win the extra pass for me (thank you!) because they thought there were enough passes and had initially invited me to join them.
Plus, they realised that I am really fun to be with (let me be vain okay?) on the previous party.
Sadly, in the end, they did not manage to get it.

Anyway.
I did not want to put them into such a hard time - so I decided to pull out.
Haiya, they have no obligation to bring me along okay?
Why makes life so difficult???
It's just another party anyway...

Then...
Something happened.
(which is not worth mentioning at all. It is childish to be unhappy over this incident)

I was upset - even Green Tea Frappucino tasted terrible at that moment.
I did not feel like going home anymore.
I needed companions, I needed to dance and worse, I felt that I needed alcohol.
I am not an alcoholic per se - I can't even drink.

But you see - allow me to say it again - there are not enough passes for everyone!

So...
in the end,
Eklern brought in the VIP wristband - without sticking it around his wrist,
and asked Wilson to bring it out again for me.
It was all Bebee's idea.
Thank you guys.
I was such a trouble-maker I know.

from left: aku, Amelia, Bryan, April, Donno, Bebee, Eklern, CK
(bebee's bf Wilson was holding the camera)

So...
I managed to have companions.

*stolen from flyfm blog*

From left: Nicole, April, Amelia, Bebee, Aku

I managed to dance.

I managed to intoxicate myself.

...

I thought I could sleep better after that.

Hell no.

In CK's car, I could feel the world spinning already.
I had to lie on April's lap because whenever I laid my sight on the windscreen, I felt like vomiting.
(and there was when I dropped your IC April....)

You see, both me and April were partially drunk.
Bryan and CK could just easily take sexual advantage on us but thankfully, these two gentlemen did not do so.
Mind you, it was the second meet up with them.

I maybe a turn-off for them la because yea, I am fat but April worrrr.... she is so irresistible and yet the guys did what they ought to do - to send us home.

Good guys.

Anyway.

When I was home,
I still managed to talk and walk.
Xiang Xi was there waiting for me (yea right - he was gaming at the same time),
and I even told him that I wanted to vomit and asked him to lock the gates.

I went into my room, turned on the light and somehow, I felt strange.
It was brighter than usual - it didn't look like my room.
Anyway I didn't enter the wrong room - it memang IS my room.
I didn't get into the fridge or whatsoever as the lame joke suggested.

Then, the first thing I looked for was the toilet bowl.
(thank you Dad for the personal toilet so that grandma wouldn't know that I vomited)
There is a sink in the toilet - but I have no idea why I prefer vomiting into the bowl.

Lesson of the day - clean the toilet bowl regularly (which I do!) - you wouldn't know when you will have to face it (which I do... too)

I didn't like the nauseation - hence I dug my throat.
Yeap. I then thrown up - as expected.

I still able to remove my make up, wash my face, brush my teeth and shower before throwing myself onto the bed.
I even texted my brother - just to remind him to lock the gates.

On and off, I felt nauseous again and had to drag myself to the toilet bowl again and dug my throat again and threw up again.

4 times - for merely 4 glasses of vodka lime and a glass of whisky cola.
Such a lousy drinker.
I think it's the mixture that causes the problem.
I would not have been that terribly drunk if I didn't take the whisky cola.
They were run out of Vodka so we were served whisky instead.

Okay. Back to myself.
Contrary to my own belief, I did not manage to sleep well.
My heard beat rapidly, each ending with very hard 'thump'.
I then started to cry for no reason - it was not something I could control though.

My mind wandered down to the memory lane - all my drinking experience were projected.

My ex took very good care of me during my first time of getting drunk - he did not even take any sexual advantage of me leh because he knew that if I were sober, I would not have consented to it.. Respect paid. Good guy. Mind you, we were 18 by then - perfectly legal to have sex. Maybe he was too tired after taking care the intoxicated me.

There was once, my dad waited for me outside the club after erm.. I couldn't remember how many calls I have missed. While we were on our way home, I stopped by the road 3 times and vomited. I even scratched my car while entering.

Last year, I went backpacking (to Johor... funny or not?) and stayed at a pair of young couple's home. They are someone whom I have never met before but nevertheless treated me like their own sister. So their French neighbour treated us dinner at a local French restaurant. I drank some red wine - and drunk. The young couple were so kind that they gave me a pill to release the effect caused by the alcohols.
Yes, come to think of it, it was really dangerous.
What if it wasn't that kind of pill as they have claimed it to be?

I was such a lucky idiot.
It's good to be taken care of when you are drunk.

While wandering.. I fell asleep.. for 3 hours.
I even went jogging in the next morning - terror leh.
Sunday jog is my weekly routine which shall not be missed ~

I am truly blessed. What else do I want to ask for??

Credits to Amelialing and Nicolecheang for the pictures.
For more pictures, click here.
Crazy pictures are not to be posted here because my students are following my blog (you know who you are... -.-)

Goodnight. Goodday. Goodbye.

After days of being immersed in some self-assumed syokness, I guess it's time to pull myself from that imaginative mud.

I went to Arthur's Night.
It's ironic.
Arthur is the name of my only ex's.

Whenever the crowd shouted 'For Arthur!!!'
I shouted 'Fuck you!!!' prior to that.hello.

It's not the only coincidence.
4 years ago, we started our relationship at the 24th day of September,
and it was the 25th day of the same month.
It wasn't the exact coincidence but it was so near.

Alright. End of the story of my ex's.

You guys do know that I'm (can I change it to was?) pretty into someone.

I joined his group on Arthur's night.
(yealar dear uncle if you are reading I do mean you.)

I witnessed him started a relationship with his girl.

*can you hear some shattered sound?*

Damn it.
He and his girl walked me to the parking area.

*can you hear more shattered sound??*

And it's not easy to fake my smile.

*sigh*

And I thought I would be sad for a very long time.
I banned Black Eyed Peas' songs,
I banned the word 'crush',
I banned Sunway,
I banned =)
I banned almost everything related to him.

*tonight's gonna be the good night.
Tonight's gonna be the good good night.*
Wah. Sarcasticnye.

Bringing along the pain, I slept at 3.30am.
And woke up 1 hour later, thought of the whole incident, and then, slept again.
And woke up another hour later, and then still haunted by the incident, and sleep again.

And then it was 8.30am.
Surprisingly, I felt totally alright.

Well, I lied if I said that I lived another day as usual without feeling anything but...
I wasn't as sad as how I thought it to be.

Good day I had today.
Breakfast.
Karaoke.
Online.
Nap.
TV.

...

I was allowed by my friend to be sad until 10th of October,
and the other friend of mine let me sad for a maximum period of 5 days.

I think I don't need it.

5 hours will do.

Hmm.
No need to ban anything anymore.
*tonight's gonna be the good night*

Maybe I'm just not that into him.

Karma

What goes around comes around,
what goes up must comes down.

People, do believe.

Last time, I used to ignore his calls. As an angry girlfriend.
Now, it's his turn for not picking up the phone. As an ignorant debtor.

Nevermind.
It will come back to you one day.

bad.mad.sad.

It was 3.44a.m. when I woke up. There was no indication of which I have missed any call. Apparently, he has failed to make his promise. After minutes rolling on the bed, realising that I couldn't get back to sleep, I sent him the first message. Are you home yet? Expected, no reply. Minutes later, I sent him the second one, Eh. Please reply la. So that I know if I should continue waiting. Again. No reply. The next thing I did was to type in his number, and pressed the dial button. After few times of ringing, what I could hear was a voice of a female's, saying the number you have called cannot be reached at the moment. Apparently, he did not cut off the line. He just turned off his phone. Yes I wouldn't have had waited for him had he not promise to call me. Last night I called him he said he would call me tonight because he was not in convenience to talk and tonight when I called him he said he would call me when he's home. He did not. Turned off the phone to avoid my calls instead.

I am so mad and sad right now. I thought it would be better to share this off with someone else but who the heck would layan me at 4 in the morning? Sigh. Writing it in the blog is the only thing which could make me feel better I guess - at least there is somewhere which I could blurt it out.

What have I done in the last circle until I have someone like him in my life? It has been few months since we broke up and yet I couldn't withdraw from it. Well not that I still have feeling for him - materially speaking, the damages is in pecuniary form. Why on earth would I be so stupid to lend him that hard-earned money to buy his laptop? Well for those who know about the incident, I have not disclosed the identity of that debtor but now I can frankly tell you, it's him. You guys must have guessed so yea? It does no harm to him anyway - none of his friend is reading my blog and his perfect reputation won't be spoiled by me writing in this way.

So it was not that he didn't have that money to repay the debt. He had got his PTPTN loan, which he had spent 4k out of it, and used up 10k to invest over an AhLong business. He has been spending every night in the club - mind you, his clubbing style is totally different with mine - I would have just ordered a glass of 20-buck-cocktail for the whole night. But for him, club is a place to drink. He could spend 200 bucks a night in a club - even if going on dutch with his friends. I have no idea how the hell he could make it. His friends have cumulatively owed him over 800 bucks just for drinking. Should I be mad or not? He is merely owing me RM1.2k.

Why on earth is it so difficult for him to return the money? He has the duty to do so! Does it mean that the responsibility flow away with the feeling? That shouldn't be the case. I have been bugging him, which, I really don't want to, just to make him repay the debt. 1.2k is not a big amount - I just don't feel good knowing that he has the money to spend off instead of paying me in the very first place.

I really don't know what should I do now. Perhaps to forget about it could make me feel better? But at the moment, I know that I can't.

Since the topic is on him already, and since I cannot get back to sleep I shall tell you guys a story buried deep down there which I still vividly remember until today. It happened on the 2008 Valentine's day. I hope that it is the saddest Vday I would have had in my life. The night before, I contacted his housemate, whose number I had secretly got from his phonelist, and attempted to get the keys from him because I wanted to sneak into his house to make him the surprise breakfast. His housemate then promised to leave the keys at the mailbox so that I could get it. Everything turn out to be so successful until the moment I knocked his bedroom door and he opened it, and... No la, I know what you guys are thinking, there was another girl on the bed ma. But thank God that was not the case. So he opened the door, shocked and puzzled rather than surprised, and gone back to sleep again. =.= I was expecting some hugs or so but no. Okay this wasn't the worse case. So I woke him up, and we happily had our breakfast.

Fast forward. The nightmare began during the lunch hour. We were having lunch at a restaurant nearby his house when we bumped into his friend. We chattered abit until I asked that question in a joking manner, so... does he smoke or not? So you have to know to be my boyfriend the very first criteria is that he must not be a smoker. I thought he quitted for me. But his friend's reply was quite shocking - 'He is trying not to...'

Trying not to? Apparently, there is some hidden meaning. That obviously mean something else rather than no. When his friend sensed that something is wrong, he gone and left us there. I still have my smile hanging on the face, taking into consideration that his friend was there. He knew that obviously, I got to know something which he thought that I was not suppose to know. But he didn't admit. He tried to cover up. I had no time to ask more questions because I had to go to work.

So fast forward again. Happily working yadda yadda finished working. He was with his friends, playing dota when I called him. Apparently he had no intention to make it up. He went out after finishing the game (yea, I waited. Damn stupid right?) We talked for a lil while, until finally he admitted. He did smoke while I was not around. I couldn't describe how mad was I by then. But no, he didn't feel that he was wrong - he didn't apologise or whatsoever. He was in a yes I smoked, so what you want me to do? manner. The next thing he did was to go back to his friends, continue with the game, leaving the puzzled me.

Made an undesired discovery and being left for games on a Valentine's night. What else could be worse? Thank God again I have left him. Please please please, please make this the worst Valentine's day in my life. Well I have been writing for one hour and maybe I should go back and try to get some sleep now. Really, I feel much better after letting it out.

Perhaps I should do this more often. It's not so good to write bad stuff about someone thought. Again, not that his friends are reading anyway. Couldn't really defame him in anyway yea.

Anyway, shall go back and catch some sleep now. I hope I won't bring a pair of swollen eyes to college and workplace tomorrow.

Post menstrual syndrome

Emo-ing for no reason.
Don't feel like doing anything.
Wanted to write about Paya dive trip but I can't.
Wanted to study.. but.. can't.
Wanted to eat.. can.. no.. can't.. it's 10pm now, 2 hours before I sleep.

Perhaps it is a must for me to be emo at least once a month and since I hadn't got the time to be emo during my pre-menstrual period because I was enjoying myself in the Tioman trip (or rather too tired to be emo), the emoness hence delayed and yea, that scientifically explained why I am getting emo for no specific reason.

Perhaps watching tv would make me feel better.
Ciaoz.

When you're gone

When I stroll along the tarred road,
I see us doing cartwheel in the middle of it.
It's early in the morning,
the sky is still dark,
and the street is still quiet, no car, and no one else,
just us, the Chung family, the young ones who follow the old one to practise that kind of uncle-aunty exercise.

When I go to the kitchen,
I see us baking cookies meringues and pizzas,
together we line the cookies on the breakfast table,
I line the cookies on the parchment paper,
while u put the chocolate chips onto it,
perfect combination we are.








When I lie on my bed,
I see 4 of us lying too,
talking about farts and shits (ew... yea...),
oh.. I see Zhi Boy plays dota with my laptop,
while you emo at the corner of my bed because he has exceeded the usage time as promised.


When I sit on the sofa,
facing all the familiars furniture which had been placed for years in the living room,
I see you dancing with my yoga pants which is altered in your own way,
imitating that yogurt girl in the commercial break,
while XX takes the pictures of yours,
and Zhi Boy laughs, literally, rolls on the floor.












........

I have used to it.
They come, and they go.
It is pretty common in our family.

Hmm.. correction- I thought I have used to it.

Seriously, where are you my guardian angel?

~~~UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE!!!!! *few minutes after posting this entry*

My kawan yang terterterterterterterterbest messaged me on MSN~!!!

I'm *kinda* happy now~~

Ooowh my guardian angel is still with me~

Muakie.~~

STILL feeling down. Since this day.

I did feel good after drinking honeydew + cincau on Wednesday.

I did feel good after listening to Jason Mraz's on Wednesday.

But that was just on Wednesday.

I started to feel bad again on Thursday, and Friday.

wtf.

I've tried mixing around with people.

Listening to gossips and jokes didn't really make me feel better though.

I've tried listening to Jason Mraz's. That song, lucky, to be precise.

That lively song didn't seem to work for me tonight.

I've tried playing piano.

It made me feel like crying. Wise decision to have stopped.

I've tried letting it out - by writing it down, which I'm doing now.

No. This is, indeed, useless. I'm still feeling crappy.

I wanted to try talking on phone.

T.T

I browsed through the phone list.

No. I don't feel like disturbing any of them.

Maybe I should try sleeping.

Btw, listening to Emi Fujita's made me feel sad.

I'm blaming PMS *again* for this. Whoa that's a long one.

Where is my guardian angel?

I am in some really terrible mood now.

I feel bad because I'm fat.

I feel bad because tonight is a damn hot night.

I feel bad because I haven't done my assignment yet.assignments assignments assignments

I feel bad because I am so sleepy now and yet I have to complete my assignment by tonight.

I feel bad because my 10-day-old ulcer is still lively as how it was on the first day.

I feel bad because I'm still having sore throat.

I feel bad because my braces are damn kacau-ing.

I feel bad because my eyes are *still* painful wth.


Sigh.

I guess this crappy moment is commonly called PMS.

Homesick

Even in my own room. [emptiness, as my friend said.]
[presence of the absence or absence of the presence? think about it.]



I miss her...She is my sister. (well that's quite obvious)
Her name is Shang Leng.
I call her Leng Girl. I'm not sure when will I remove the 'girl'.
Perhaps I will call her Leng Girl until I reach the age of 80 and she will be 75 by then.

I need and I do have more pictures but they are not stored in this lappie. Aiks.

Alright. The last one. Taken in year 2005.Okay I won't complain about how fat I am now. (oh so cute) After all it is so obvious that I was much fatter by then.

Will write another post for my dearest mei mei on her birthday~ ^^

那一夜

我按了电脑的开关挚，
呆着。

我完完全全得失去了方向感。
在这无边迹的网络世界，
我迷失了。
我找不到我的出发点，
也看不到前方的路。

停在原点。
呆滞的。
无法向前。
却也摸不着路后退。

每天晚上面对着冰冷的荧幕，
到底是为了什么？
今晚的荧幕额外刺眼，
沉闷的音乐只令我倍觉烦躁。

习惯了几天弟妹们的吵杂声，
现在只有滴滴答答的打字声，
还有散热器的嗡嗡声。
我知道这感觉。
人人都说这是孤单。
也有人称之为寂寞。

翻了翻msn 名单，
找了几位朋友分忧分忧，
感觉依然一样。
现在朋友都走了。
睡的睡。忙的忙。

打开了photoshop,
欲处理照片，
可是照片里灿烂的笑容却严重得刺激了我的泪腺。
泪水顿时充满了眼眶...
我看不下去了。
动了动滑鼠，点击了右上角的x。

往伺放器输入www.nerris429.blogspot.com。
没有update。
再输入www.myorangie.blogspot.com。
我再次决堤了。
想念在远方的老婆们吗？
也许吧。

拿起手机，
传了几则短讯给远方的老婆们，
原来大家都哭过了。
就在今夜。
情况并未能改善。

索性拨通电话给她吧。
'喂.............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
久违了，那把声音。
恰似接近，确实如此的远。
多希望今晚都不必挂断那通电话。
那把声音的确能给我短暂的治疗。
可是最终还是结束了。
心情又再跌至最低点。

心中有个缺口，
但却找不到任何东西弥补。

仍在寻找中。
寻找些什么？
不得而知。
连object matter 都没有，如何寻找呢？

忽然间想到了。
情。
爱。
亲情里的那一份爱。
友情里的那一份爱。

还有，把两个自拼凑，
爱·情。
有缺吗？
positive.
需要吗？
negative.
我在骗人骗自己吗？
negative.

我比任何人更清楚了解我自己。
我在亲情中找到了爱，
我在友情中找到了爱，
我还须从爱情中寻找爱吗？
negative.

在短暂得缺乏友情与亲情的这一夜，
我迷失了自己。

＊ｕｐｄａｔｅ！！！
点击　ｐｕｂｌｉｓｈ　ｐｏｓｔ　的同时，
朋友找上了我！！
ｆｉｎａｌｌｙ．．
＝）＊

2409

Update (26092008):
While doing my brother's assignment,
found out that the Royal Government of Cambodia was formed on 24th of September, 1993.
2409 again. -.-


Oh ya it's 24th September.
Was telling JL that I was sad because KC has left and I couldn't get my crush out of my head and that's what he said.
yea it'sFai's (note: Weng Fai, not Ling Fei the ex) birthday.

24th day of September.

I almost forgotten about this day.
A day which had mean so much for me.

2 years ago, he hold my hand for the very first time.
My very first time.
My hand was in his while I called Fai, greeted him birthday. (I still remember what was I wearing btw. Gengness)
They were having party for Fai, which I couldn't join because I was in KK.
It was merry on the other side of the phone, and quiet here. What a contrast.

A year ago, my hand was still in his when I called Fai.
However, things have changed a lot.
We had been through so many things in that very own year.
Arguments, jealousy, LDR, dissatisfaction, and sooooo much more.

Tonight, my hands are on the keypad, typing this post.
Nop. My hand is no longer in his, and will not be in it anymore.

It's only 2 years ago?
I feel like it's a decade ago. Some long lost memory. Something buried deeply down there. Somewhere in the corner.
Browsed back that Lovey Dovey Baybee folder. A total of 1259 pictures. Wow.
Well, not really a pure bitter relationship. It's a bittersweet one.
Delete? Of course not! I appreciate every moment me and him have had.

Oh and those friendster testimonials which expressed our affection towards each other while we were in those LDR days.
Haha me and him used to be that geli before. So comic man.

Friendster? I totally forgotten about that Lovey Dovey Baybee album.
We have broke up for so long and that album still silently lying there.
*click* edit.
*click* delete.
I'm on myself now.

Take Rihanna's word.

but it's over now.

(Just take this line. Not the entire song
He didn't cheat on me. He's a good guy in this sense)

Any difference?
1. It's good to have companion (depends). I'm *kinda* enjoy to be alone in the car.
I feel free to listen to any songs I like, as loud as I can, and sing as loud as I can. Hehe.
Me imitating amateur driver. Very gan jiong.
Not sure why they wanna stick to the steering wheel.
Have a better view huh? Don't think so.
Erm.. am not that pro btw.

2. Well no one is gonna run to the parking lot while it rains.
Hence I'm bringing umbrella with me.Didn't bring umbrella on the first day of lectures.
Hence have to cover myself with those super heavy 2nd-handed textbooks.
Oh ya one more point. No one is gonna carry my heavy stuff for me.
(me damn vain I admit. Still camwhoring [twisted face nyaha] while raining. Wakaka)

3. He's no longer my companion to here and there.
Which makes me spend more quality time with my friends.

4. I have to finish everything on the plate by myself.
Hence I'm fatter by 3 kgs.
(offtopic. I'm having sorethroat now because coursemates suggested to have Nando's for lunch and we did. Wakaka.)

5. No more expectation and disappointment. No more hopes and despairs. No more happiness and sadness. Yea u get my point. Needless to bring the explanation on.

What else? Is that all?
If it is so, it's awfully sad.
Too bad. That's it I guess.

A friend of mine said,
'that's the difference between guys and girls.
Girls talk about guys after breaking up.
Guys don't.'
ya?
Well I did. At least in this post, I did.
I just feel like writing it. Because it's 24th Sep.
Well it would be the last time of me writing about him- unless my next relationship coincidentally started off on 24th Sep too. Wakaka.

Btw, it's good to be single.

Oh and... Weng Fai, Happy birthday!!!

Farewell

You turned back, waved at us, and continued walking.
Smaller, and smaller, and smaller. And gone.
JL :It will be my turn.
ZC :hmm... yours or mine first?

... So you guys will be going off too. Very soon. I thought.
And I will be left alone here.

While heading to the car, JL started to say,
I'm bluffing if I say I'm not sad.
While on the way to pick him up, I started to feel very upset.
It's the same route,
I picked him up, to hang out with him.
but today, I'm picking him up, with the purpose to send him off,

...

Listening to his sentimental talk, I teared. (damn you LJL)
Fortunately you guys were walking in front of me.
I have always been so macho that I shouldn't be seen crying (-.- macho? you cry even while watching Corpse Bride la. Macho). Sigh.

On our way back, the sun was rising.
Me: Oh look, how beautiful those rays are!
ZC: Those are just clouds. I wanna sleep la.
Me: But can I assume that those are rays?
ZC: Anything. But those are really not rays. I just wanna sleep. Still can sleep for another hour. My class from 9am - 5pm k?

How come sleeping is all in his mind?
His friend has left! and he might not be able to see him next year because he himself will be leaving too~!!
No heart one. =(

Oh. Perhaps I am the naive one.
Leaving only ma, right? He'll be backed ma, right?
Well, perhaps, I should just get used to it.

split personality. QQ. SOS!

是的。華語。

是的。 繁體字。

**********************************************
剛剛不小心看到他的名字，心臟停止跳動了一下。
（別亂亂講喔。你還沒有死meh?)

怎麽會這樣？
（soh mok. 講話講清楚些leh.)

開始踏入了不歸途。
（沒有一條路是死路。
咳喲，就算是條死路，轉身不就可以了嗎？
痲痲煩煩想那麽多。）

所幸，那只是個開始。
（哇勞。才開始你就看到那時條不歸途啊？
你的路途也幾短一下的喔。）

現在抽身並不遲。
（不用怎樣抽身啦。又不是跌進糞池。
轉個身就可以了啦）

回頭吧。我是沒有可能在牛角尖裏找到那一片青天的。
（-。-我早都跟你講的啦。你看囘上面。
都不聼人家講話的你。一直在自言自語）

心，是屬於自己，並不是別人的。
(soh mok?? 你做了心臟轉移手術？
你還沒有死meh?)

快。現在還來得及的。快去拿回來。
(你很沒有品leh. -。-）

別在淪陷了。
(淪sohmok 鬼陷啦。
都講不是跌入糞池咯）

(待續...)

Failed

Miserably.

I'm not stupid.

(eh eh. I'm not talking about my results kay?)