bad.mad.sad.

It was 3.44a.m. when I woke up. There was no indication of which I have missed any call. Apparently, he has failed to make his promise. After minutes rolling on the bed, realising that I couldn't get back to sleep, I sent him the first message. Are you home yet? Expected, no reply. Minutes later, I sent him the second one, Eh. Please reply la. So that I know if I should continue waiting. Again. No reply. The next thing I did was to type in his number, and pressed the dial button. After few times of ringing, what I could hear was a voice of a female's, saying the number you have called cannot be reached at the moment. Apparently, he did not cut off the line. He just turned off his phone. Yes I wouldn't have had waited for him had he not promise to call me. Last night I called him he said he would call me tonight because he was not in convenience to talk and tonight when I called him he said he would call me when he's home. He did not. Turned off the phone to avoid my calls instead.

I am so mad and sad right now. I thought it would be better to share this off with someone else but who the heck would layan me at 4 in the morning? Sigh. Writing it in the blog is the only thing which could make me feel better I guess - at least there is somewhere which I could blurt it out.

What have I done in the last circle until I have someone like him in my life? It has been few months since we broke up and yet I couldn't withdraw from it. Well not that I still have feeling for him - materially speaking, the damages is in pecuniary form. Why on earth would I be so stupid to lend him that hard-earned money to buy his laptop? Well for those who know about the incident, I have not disclosed the identity of that debtor but now I can frankly tell you, it's him. You guys must have guessed so yea? It does no harm to him anyway - none of his friend is reading my blog and his perfect reputation won't be spoiled by me writing in this way.

So it was not that he didn't have that money to repay the debt. He had got his PTPTN loan, which he had spent 4k out of it, and used up 10k to invest over an AhLong business. He has been spending every night in the club - mind you, his clubbing style is totally different with mine - I would have just ordered a glass of 20-buck-cocktail for the whole night. But for him, club is a place to drink. He could spend 200 bucks a night in a club - even if going on dutch with his friends. I have no idea how the hell he could make it. His friends have cumulatively owed him over 800 bucks just for drinking. Should I be mad or not? He is merely owing me RM1.2k.

Why on earth is it so difficult for him to return the money? He has the duty to do so! Does it mean that the responsibility flow away with the feeling? That shouldn't be the case. I have been bugging him, which, I really don't want to, just to make him repay the debt. 1.2k is not a big amount - I just don't feel good knowing that he has the money to spend off instead of paying me in the very first place.

I really don't know what should I do now. Perhaps to forget about it could make me feel better? But at the moment, I know that I can't.

Since the topic is on him already, and since I cannot get back to sleep I shall tell you guys a story buried deep down there which I still vividly remember until today. It happened on the 2008 Valentine's day. I hope that it is the saddest Vday I would have had in my life. The night before, I contacted his housemate, whose number I had secretly got from his phonelist, and attempted to get the keys from him because I wanted to sneak into his house to make him the surprise breakfast. His housemate then promised to leave the keys at the mailbox so that I could get it. Everything turn out to be so successful until the moment I knocked his bedroom door and he opened it, and... No la, I know what you guys are thinking, there was another girl on the bed ma. But thank God that was not the case. So he opened the door, shocked and puzzled rather than surprised, and gone back to sleep again. =.= I was expecting some hugs or so but no. Okay this wasn't the worse case. So I woke him up, and we happily had our breakfast.

Fast forward. The nightmare began during the lunch hour. We were having lunch at a restaurant nearby his house when we bumped into his friend. We chattered abit until I asked that question in a joking manner, so... does he smoke or not? So you have to know to be my boyfriend the very first criteria is that he must not be a smoker. I thought he quitted for me. But his friend's reply was quite shocking - 'He is trying not to...'

Trying not to? Apparently, there is some hidden meaning. That obviously mean something else rather than no. When his friend sensed that something is wrong, he gone and left us there. I still have my smile hanging on the face, taking into consideration that his friend was there. He knew that obviously, I got to know something which he thought that I was not suppose to know. But he didn't admit. He tried to cover up. I had no time to ask more questions because I had to go to work.

So fast forward again. Happily working yadda yadda finished working. He was with his friends, playing dota when I called him. Apparently he had no intention to make it up. He went out after finishing the game (yea, I waited. Damn stupid right?) We talked for a lil while, until finally he admitted. He did smoke while I was not around. I couldn't describe how mad was I by then. But no, he didn't feel that he was wrong - he didn't apologise or whatsoever. He was in a yes I smoked, so what you want me to do? manner. The next thing he did was to go back to his friends, continue with the game, leaving the puzzled me.

Made an undesired discovery and being left for games on a Valentine's night. What else could be worse? Thank God again I have left him. Please please please, please make this the worst Valentine's day in my life. Well I have been writing for one hour and maybe I should go back and try to get some sleep now. Really, I feel much better after letting it out.

Perhaps I should do this more often. It's not so good to write bad stuff about someone thought. Again, not that his friends are reading anyway. Couldn't really defame him in anyway yea.

Anyway, shall go back and catch some sleep now. I hope I won't bring a pair of swollen eyes to college and workplace tomorrow.